Month: May 2021

It seems many of the moments, important or close relationships, or things I remember with great fondness or as “top memories” in my life that have involved other people, are often not even remembered by those other people at all …

It’s really awkward when I find that out. It rather harshly diminishes what I thought was special, and I wonder how my interpretations missed the boat so wildly… and then I don’t know what to do with the newly-shredded remnants of great feelings I had apparently erroneously attached to them.

I try to tell myself the memories and my feelings about them are personal and are still worthy even if they weren’t shared, but part of the greatness was the “shared” bit… that apparently wasn’t what I thought it had been. Sort of feels like having the joy slapped out of you. The slap is more memorable at that point than the joy was, and it all gets tangled together very messily.

Confusing and convoluted … and I think probably typical for autistics.

It’s so easy to get caught up in this human step of life and forget that, in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a step.

Life is infinite. Way more than the several decades of humanity that we experience.

I believe in reincarnation, but even more than that, I believe in spiritual beingness: The “isness” behind the thoughts.

The awareness watching the watcher or observer in the silent “in between” .

The infinite divinity of the indescribable “there” that is both everywhere … and nowhere — because It …isn’t it. It just … is.

I never thought of my self-sabotaging as an addiction. I don’t really have what one would describe as an addictive type personality.

But when it was clearly mentioned to me as I was discussing certain puzzling aspects of my behavior, it must have just been said at the right time to click.

I am addicted to self-sabotage!

It’s a different kind of addiction than what I am used to seeing. I have experience with people who have been addicted to smoking, food, drugs, or alcohol. Even people who were addicted self-mutilation. I have had times in my life when I’ve gotten drunk or smoked (cigarettes and pot) or binge-ate and vomited or didn’t eat for days on end or used cutting as a form of emotional self-expression… but they were pinpointed moments, not addictions.

An addiction to self-sabotage, covers an incredibly wide swath of behaviors, choices and thought patterns. Like … shockingly, pretty much anything that’s unhealthy!

I’ve been trying to be mindful of self-sabotaging choices and behaviors this past week, and the process has been both eye opening and really uplifting!

I went grocery shopping yesterday and caught myself thinking about purchasing unhealthy food – and chose not to sabotage myself.

I allowed two things: one bag (not two!) of blueberry bagels (and no loaf of fresh bakery bread), and some Hatch Chili Mac & Cheese (fresh deli, not packaged). Both of those have wheat/gluten. But I am not going to shoot myself for it because allowing an obsessive guilt trip over judgmentally perceived failures is also self-sabotaging.

Let me write that again: Allowing an obsessive guilt trip over judgmentally perceived failures is also self-sabotaging. Wow. That’s using self-sabotage to self-sabotage!! Talk about layering!

So today, I am going through my clean clothes. I am sorting what I want to keep from what I don’t want to keep. I am removing anything that is in any way uncomfortable. I will keep clothes that were comfortable when they fit because as I discontinue the self-sabotaging, I am sure they will fit again and at that time I can choose to keep them or to let them go, but a lot of stuff I find I may really like but don’t ever wear, or it just doesn’t fit me and never will, or I’m just “past that phase”.

I want room in my closet. I want everything hanging in it to be something I like so much I can hardly wait to put it on.

I want to look in my closet and not feel any stress or distress — just comfort and love, knowing anything I choose to wear will be something that my skin loves being in. 😁